Introduction: Over the past 30 years, I've seen women increasingly concerned about power and control in marital relationships. It's an issue that deserves the attention it's been given and women usually have good reason to be alarmed at the controlling behavior of their husbands.
If you knew how to get him to stop, you surely would, but nothing seems to work.
And sometimes the non-controlling spouse may also be acting in ways that prompt this behavior. Control issues are often rooted in fear. This is the first place to look. This is quite a common response to fear.
What to do when you have a controlling husband
Fear can come from a of different places. One place fear can come from is trauma.
When something very frightening or overwhelming happens, it may cause a person to install certain requirements or demands in order to preserve safety. Another source of control is abandonment fear of being left alone. You always have to be there, or you always have to do things together. Betrayal may also lead to controlling relationships with certain kinds of people in order to prevent re-betrayal. Thus, controlling behavior can lead to further dysfunction. Some mental health issues can cause controlling behavior.
BPD is something some individuals suffer with, but it is not a common disorder. Perfectionism is another possible source of control issues. Perfectionistic people may feel the need to do things right or be seen as doing things right, as having that ideal marriage or that ideal family. This is related to a deep, often unacknowledged sense of personal shame, so they need to appear really well before others, and this may extend to their spouse as well.
Low self-esteem is another cause for control issues. Underneath the low self-esteem, there could be a fear of being useless without their spouse or a fear their spouse will reject them if they express their true feelings.
Or there may be a belief that nobody else would love them so will do anything to keep their spouse. This guide gives you a step by step conversation template to talk through what is happening without getting into conflict. Insecurity in your relationship can also lead to control issues.
You may push away any alternatives to yourself. This may also be due to spousal bad behavior.
Controlling husband cure: how to get him to stop before you smack him
It may be an attachment issue; maybe you had a parent that was unreliably available and you had to work hard to feel some sense of connection. You may be wondering how to tell the difference between this kind of worry about your marriage and the idea that you should go with your gut if you suspect your husband of cheating on you as an example.
This is an important distinction to make. To really understand the fear, you have to look at the evidence surrounding the source of your fear. Then you want to look for evidence in your family of origin. In short, go for your gut, but make sure the source of the data is based on evidence. So, if you find yourself trying to control your spouse, you might ask yourself if you came to the relationship with the person you are married to with a mentality of trying to fix their problem, or out of some belief that they would be lost without you.
Sometimes the word codependency comes up though this has come into some disfavor in the counselling community. It may be more helpful to consider whether you draw worth from supporting, improving, or caretaking your spouse. So, control really gets wrapped up into this mentality. That can be a hard line to walk, but it can bring a great deal of freedom for you both when you walk through it carefully and thoughtfully.
Controlling behavior is tiring for the person doing the controlling as well as the person being controlled. It can often take some time to face that challenge of figuring out what the issue is and pursuing psychiatric treatment. That requires a lot of support, compassion, care, and thoughtfulness from you as their spouse.
9 s to identify a controlling, dominating spouse
If you notice that your spouse is exerting controlling behavior in the moment, try to look for the fear. Speak to that fear and reassure it. Stay present and help your spouse to stay present. Are you afraid that I might give more attention to these other people than you?
How to overcome love busters
That reassurance will likely help your spouse feel less of a need for control. In doing this, you can help your spouse to stay present. You are essentially saying you may fear losing me, but right now I am here, I am present with you, you are loved, you are held. A crucial thing to do during a power struggle is to be firm but kind. Articulate your understanding of what is appropriate in a given situation, and what you have decided to do.
Sometimes, this can also come back to power struggles. There may be a point where you need to be firm but kind as well. You may need to set a boundary and go to the meeting, but you can ask your wife what she needs in order to feel reassured e. I can check in with you before and after the meeting.
You want to act in the interest of the marriage bond as well, not just self-interest. Sometimes, you will need to exercise your own power to choose what you will do. Then you can step out of the power struggle and leave your spouse free to decide what they will do. Podcast: Play in new window Download Duration: — Where Control Issues Come From 1.
Fear Control issues are often rooted in fear.
Why is my spouse so controlling?
Betrayal Betrayal may also lead to controlling relationships with certain kinds of people in order to prevent re-betrayal. Perfectionism Perfectionism is another possible source of control issues. Low self-esteem Low self-esteem is another cause for control issues. How to handle control issues This guide gives you a step by step conversation template to talk through what is happening without getting into conflict.